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Re: Adoption into Canon?
Posted By: Wado SGDate: 5/20/04 8:12 p.m.

In Response To: Re: Adoption into Canon? (Anton P. Nym (aka Steve))

: I meant to ask in the other thread, but it slipped my mind. (Still working on
: the First Coffee of the Day.)

: I was trying to stay as close to Canon as possible, but it's obvious I missed
: in a couple of places... and it's too soon afterward for me to be able to
: see where. The (necessary, for me anyway) tunnel vision is starting to
: relax, but it's not entirely gone yet.

: Not that I'm ever going to do the Terminals again :) but I like to learn from
: my mistakes whenever possible. Where did I miss? By peoples' reactions it
: seems to be somewhere around the Flood, but I can't put my finger on it.

: -- Steve

If you want feedback, I believe you missed by giving away too much information to the reader. You lost a bit of perspective from your viewpoint characters.

It started off very well, with my first complaint with the statement,

"I hope that this works better than our last bright idea. That "weapons cache" seemed to have been cadaver storage for the victims of some sort of adaptive parasite. The bioagent was still active, and it tore through our salvage team like a threshing machine. What's worse is it has somehow reanimated the bodies. Instead of finding a weapon to defeat the Covenant, we've created a three-cornered fight."

Seems like a great paragraph but coming from the Captain, if is on the fringes of out of character knowledge. Might have been better written this way, revealing less information but going more in detail with what was observed:

"We've got a new enemy. That "weapons cache" contained no weapons, instead we found dead bodies, probably the former inhabitants of this installation. Too bad the bodies were too far decomposed to tell what they would have looked like but by the way they were stacked, neatly on the back rows and then just piled hap-hazardly at the front, they didn't have much time to deal with all the dead. Maybe some kind of epidemic hit them. There's something else too, some kind of tenacled creature about the size of a dog. A few dozen came at us like a threshing machine, we lost three before we even knew what hit us. We got out of there in a hurry with what we could. This new enemy is vicious, I recommend you shoot first, and ask questions later."

And from there...

The Covenant are gone, too. Whatever Enkidu did set off a monster solar flare that wiped out the battle group in orbit. I don't think there's much glacier left on the surface after that, let alone ground troops. We'll leave any survivors for the Flood and break contact.

The whole above paragraph could have instead been written as,

"We don't know what happened to the Covenant. For the last 24 hours we have not seen any one of them nor have we intercepted a single Covenant transmission. It is like they vanished into thin air."

Well, got to go, just some things to think about.

Message Index



Replies:

Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Anton P. Nym (aka Steve) 5/16/04 10:59 a.m.
     Re: kudos.Sep7imus [subnova] 5/16/04 11:06 a.m.
     Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Uriel 5/16/04 11:06 a.m.
     Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Stuntmutt 5/16/04 11:08 a.m.
           Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Anton P. Nym (aka Steve) 5/16/04 12:21 p.m.
           Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.monctezuma 5/16/04 4:26 p.m.
     Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Ryan G 5/16/04 11:08 a.m.
           Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Jagged 5/16/04 7:26 p.m.
     Kudos, then.Jota Rota 5/16/04 11:09 a.m.
           Re: Kudos, then.Walshicus 5/16/04 11:23 a.m.
                 Re: Kudos, then.Anton P. Nym (aka Steve) 5/16/04 11:38 a.m.
                       Re: Kudos, then.Walshicus 5/16/04 11:41 a.m.
     Re: Frog blast the vent core!Sep7imus [subnova] 5/16/04 11:09 a.m.
     Gah!Blitzwolf 5/16/04 11:11 a.m.
     Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Stuntmutt 5/16/04 11:14 a.m.
           Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Tycho/Howard 5/16/04 11:19 a.m.
     You byfar are one of the best writers I have everLittlebigman 5/16/04 11:23 a.m.
           Re: You byfar are one of the best writers I have eAnton P. Nym (aka Steve) 5/16/04 12:28 p.m.
     Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Warlock 5/16/04 11:26 a.m.
     ThanksScipio 5/16/04 11:32 a.m.
           Re: ThanksAnton P. Nym (aka Steve) 5/16/04 11:43 a.m.
     Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Mogwong 5/16/04 11:39 a.m.
           Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Colopatiron 5/16/04 11:47 a.m.
                 Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Mogwong 5/16/04 11:49 a.m.
           Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Anton P. Nym (aka Steve) 5/16/04 11:53 a.m.
                 Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Colopatiron 5/16/04 11:59 a.m.
     Giant kudos and heartfelt thanks!JKatkina 5/16/04 11:47 a.m.
           Re: Giant kudos and heartfelt thanks!Anton P. Nym (aka Steve) 5/16/04 12:03 p.m.
                 Re: Giant kudos and heartfelt thanks!JKatkina 5/16/04 12:12 p.m.
     Well done.Wintermute @ work 5/16/04 12:18 p.m.
     Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Jota Rota 5/16/04 12:20 p.m.
     Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Milamber 5/16/04 12:35 p.m.
     Felt Like I Finished A Good Book =) *NM*Fuzzy 5/16/04 12:57 p.m.
           Re: Felt Like I Finished A Good Book =)Smeeisqualityfootrot 5/16/04 7:49 p.m.
     Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Mark Simmons 5/16/04 1:05 p.m.
     Great job, man, seriously.Mr. Mechanical 5/16/04 1:25 p.m.
           Re: Great job, man, seriously.Anton P. Nym (aka Steve) 5/16/04 1:29 p.m.
                 Re: Great job, man, seriously.Colopatiron 5/16/04 1:50 p.m.
                       Re: Great job, man, seriously.Mr. Mechanical 5/16/04 2:00 p.m.
                             Re: Great job, man, seriously.Mr. Mechanical 5/17/04 3:54 a.m.
     Flame Time!Exogenesis 5/16/04 2:47 p.m.
     Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.AeroJonesy 5/16/04 3:27 p.m.
     ... I guess I have to read it, sometime...BOLL 5/16/04 3:42 p.m.
           Re: ... I guess I have to read it, sometime...Anton P. Nym (aka Steve) 5/16/04 4:01 p.m.
                 Re: ... I guess I have to read it, sometime...Wado SG 5/16/04 7:08 p.m.
     Kudos is not the right word.Cerami 5/16/04 3:52 p.m.
     Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.whoaho! 5/16/04 4:12 p.m.
           Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Anton P. Nym (aka Steve) 5/16/04 4:19 p.m.
     So much fun I don't know where to start !!Alexander Valient 5/16/04 4:34 p.m.
     Nice workCiarán 5/16/04 5:02 p.m.
     Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Wado SG 5/16/04 6:06 p.m.
     C&CCelegur 5/16/04 6:10 p.m.
           Storyline in Games (was Re: C&C)Anton P. Nym (aka Steve) 5/16/04 7:03 p.m.
                 Re: Storyline in Games (was Re: C&C)Anonymous Coward 01 5/16/04 7:49 p.m.
                       Re: Storyline in Games (was Re: C&C)Anton P. Nym (aka Steve) 5/16/04 8:10 p.m.
                 Re: Storyline in Games (was Re: C&C)Celegur 5/16/04 8:32 p.m.
     Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Gre'Thor117 5/16/04 6:32 p.m.
     Incredible work! Nice job :) *NM*MikeMan445 5/16/04 6:43 p.m.
     This is one darned big thread.Saint 5/16/04 7:11 p.m.
           Ack! Stuck in aweAkba 5/16/04 8:00 p.m.
     Hey, get the First Strike Mod Team on it! *NM*Anonymous Coward 01 5/16/04 8:03 p.m.
           Who cares? Just make it playable! *NM*Alexander Valient 5/16/04 9:07 p.m.
     *clap, clap, clap*MrFluffyPants 5/16/04 8:15 p.m.
     WowJamirus99 5/16/04 8:47 p.m.
     Very nice work. It was great! *NM*Arteen 5/16/04 9:14 p.m.
     Great work, but...BGH TankRamp 5/16/04 10:00 p.m.
           Re: Great work, but...Anton P. Nym (aka Steve) 5/16/04 10:15 p.m.
                 Re: Great work, but...Mogwong 5/16/04 10:26 p.m.
           Re: Great work, but...Wado SG 5/17/04 12:44 a.m.
     It's been fun.dizzy [subnova] 5/16/04 10:55 p.m.
     Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Khaim 5/16/04 11:05 p.m.
           Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Rams 5/16/04 11:11 p.m.
                 Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.LostRock11 5/16/04 11:42 p.m.
                 Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.MC vince 5/17/04 12:04 a.m.
                       Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Rams 5/17/04 1:03 a.m.
                             Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Tarrsk 5/17/04 1:42 a.m.
                             Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.MikeMan445 5/17/04 2:53 a.m.
                                   Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Tarrsk 5/17/04 3:27 a.m.
                                   Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Rams 5/17/04 4:50 a.m.
                                         Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Tarrsk 5/17/04 5:31 a.m.
                                               Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Rams 5/17/04 6:09 a.m.
                                                     My God.MikeMan445 5/17/04 6:19 a.m.
                                                           Re: My God.Rams 5/17/04 6:28 a.m.
                                                                 Re: My God.Andrew Nagy 5/21/04 2:22 p.m.
                                         Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.MikeMan445 5/17/04 5:58 a.m.
                                               Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Rams 5/17/04 6:21 a.m.
                                                     Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Louis Wu 5/17/04 11:46 a.m.
                                                           Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Rams 5/17/04 8:44 p.m.
                                                                 *tut*Colopatiron 5/17/04 8:58 p.m.
                                                           PredictionsNarcogen 5/20/04 6:33 a.m.
                                                                 Re: PredictionsLouis Wu 5/20/04 8:27 a.m.
                                                                       Re: PredictionsNarcogen 5/21/04 12:17 a.m.
                                                                 Re: PredictionsWintermute @ work 5/21/04 7:26 a.m.
                                               Enkidu FLAMES and kudosAnton P. Nym (aka Steve) 5/17/04 6:31 a.m.
                                                     Re: Enkidu FLAMES and kudosMikeMan445 5/17/04 6:43 a.m.
                                                           Re: Enkidu FLAMES and kudosAnton P. Nym (aka Steve) 5/17/04 7:00 a.m.
                             Even if you didn't look at the source code...qw0ntum 5/17/04 1:48 p.m.
     Well doneRed Loser 5/16/04 11:36 p.m.
     *clap**clap* Well done.343winks 5/16/04 11:54 p.m.
     Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.SR Omniscient 5/17/04 12:30 a.m.
           Great jobFlamingbuddha 5/17/04 1:27 a.m.
     Just in case you missed it...the Ouroboros 5/17/04 1:29 a.m.
     Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.daedalus 5/17/04 1:38 a.m.
           Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Rams 5/17/04 2:22 a.m.
                 Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Tarrsk 5/17/04 3:26 a.m.
                       Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Rams 5/17/04 5:39 a.m.
                             Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Ciarán 5/17/04 7:21 a.m.
                                   Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Anton P. Nym (aka Steve) 5/17/04 7:37 a.m.
                             Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Louis Wu 5/17/04 12:21 p.m.
                                   Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Rams 5/17/04 8:45 p.m.
                                         *arches brow*the Ouroboros 5/18/04 2:05 a.m.
                                               Re: *arches brow*Target4Hire 5/18/04 12:44 p.m.
                                   Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Narcogen 5/20/04 6:47 a.m.
                                         Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Louis Wu 5/20/04 8:32 a.m.
                                               Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Narcogen 5/21/04 12:16 a.m.
                                                     Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Louis Wu 5/21/04 8:28 a.m.
                                                           Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Anton P. Nym (aka Steve) 5/21/04 6:01 p.m.
                                               Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Andrew Nagy 5/21/04 2:13 p.m.
                                                     Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Louis Wu 5/21/04 2:22 p.m.
                                         What's wrong with people?Capo Rip 5/21/04 7:27 a.m.
                             Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Wado SG 5/17/04 1:00 p.m.
                                   Re: Enkidu and some HBO lovin'Target4Hire 5/17/04 4:06 p.m.
                                   Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Rams 5/17/04 8:47 p.m.
                                         Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Rams 5/17/04 8:48 p.m.
                                               Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Miguel Chavez 5/18/04 12:21 a.m.
                                                     Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Rams 5/19/04 1:57 p.m.
                                                           flames & kudos: Explaining the negative feelingsXraf 5/20/04 11:05 a.m.
                                                                 Re: flames & kudos: Explaining the negative feelinthe Ouroboros 5/20/04 5:09 p.m.
                                                                       Re: flames & kudos: Explaining the negative feelinXraf 5/21/04 7:36 a.m.
                                                                             Re: flames & kudos: Explaining the negative feelinAndrew Nagy 5/21/04 2:07 p.m.
                                                                                   Re: flames & kudos: Explaining the negative feelinXraf 5/21/04 4:02 p.m.
                                                                                         Re: flames & kudos: Explaining the negative feelinLouis Wu 5/21/04 4:56 p.m.
                                                                                               Re: flames & kudos: Explaining the negative feelinAnton P. Nym (aka Steve) 5/21/04 5:56 p.m.
                                                                                         Re: flames & kudos: Explaining the negative feelinWado SG 5/21/04 7:20 p.m.
                                   Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Druff 5/18/04 2:01 p.m.
                                         Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Tarrsk 5/18/04 3:28 p.m.
                                               Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Druff 5/18/04 4:05 p.m.
                                                     Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Druff 5/18/04 4:09 p.m.
                                               Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Wado SG 5/18/04 4:12 p.m.
                                                     Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Druff 5/18/04 4:16 p.m.
                                                           Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Wado SG 5/18/04 4:29 p.m.
                                         Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Anton P. Nym (aka Steve) 5/18/04 9:35 p.m.
                                               Enkidu is a bastard child, yet no less worthy *NM*the Ouroboros 5/18/04 11:29 p.m.
                                                     Hmph, no, YOUR Mom.Enkidu 5/19/04 12:18 a.m.
                                                           Re: Hmph, no, YOUR Mom.Tarrsk 5/19/04 1:07 a.m.
                                               Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Narcogen 5/20/04 6:51 a.m.
                                                     Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Anton P. Nym (aka Steve) 5/20/04 7:21 a.m.
                                                           Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Narcogen 5/21/04 12:13 a.m.
                             Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Mogwong 5/18/04 2:51 p.m.
                 Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Mogwong 5/18/04 2:40 p.m.
     nice workSocrates 5/17/04 3:06 a.m.
     Two Thumbs UpX-Isle 5/17/04 8:40 a.m.
           Re: Two Thumbs UpAnton P. Nym (aka Steve) 5/17/04 8:49 a.m.
                 Missed?Narcogen 5/20/04 6:53 a.m.
                       Re: Missed?Anton P. Nym (aka Steve) 5/20/04 7:43 a.m.
                             Re: Missed?Narcogen 5/21/04 12:10 a.m.
                                   Re: Missed?Anton P. Nym (aka Steve) 5/21/04 6:23 a.m.
     Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.nof 5/17/04 12:07 p.m.
     Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Slothboy 5/17/04 1:14 p.m.
           Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Anton P. Nym (aka Steve) 5/17/04 1:36 p.m.
                 Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Slothboy 5/17/04 1:55 p.m.
           Adoption into Canon?Narcogen 5/20/04 6:59 a.m.
                 Re: Adoption into Canon?Anton P. Nym (aka Steve) 5/20/04 7:32 a.m.
                       Re: Adoption into Canon?Wado SG 5/20/04 8:12 p.m.
                             Re: Adoption into Canon?Anton P. Nym 5/20/04 9:33 p.m.
                       Canon RampancyNarcogen 5/21/04 12:00 a.m.
     Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Target4Hire 5/17/04 2:34 p.m.
           Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Anton P. Nym (aka Steve) 5/18/04 10:54 p.m.
                 Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Target4Hire 5/20/04 11:21 a.m.
     Re: Enkidu rocked.ThorsHammer 5/17/04 3:16 p.m.
     Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.wavehawk 5/18/04 3:33 a.m.
           Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.Anton P. Nym (aka Steve) 5/18/04 6:04 a.m.
                 Re: Enkidu flames and kudos HERE, please.wavehawk 5/18/04 6:14 a.m.
     Steve...thought you might be amused by this...the Ouroboros 5/20/04 8:21 p.m.
           Re: Steve...thought you might be amused by this...Anton P. Nym 5/20/04 9:59 p.m.
     YOUR terminals are so much better than mine.LietLives 5/23/04 5:20 a.m.
           Re: YOUR terminals are so much better than mine.Anton P. Nym (aka Steve) 5/23/04 7:16 a.m.



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