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Re: Relationship woes of Ernie
Posted By: YossarianDate: 6/15/02 4:44 p.m.

In Response To: Relationship woes of Ernie (Ernie)

Allright, I'll try this again now that I'm fully awake and I've fixed the Space Bar.

Since everyone seems to be opening up...

: My own dating experience (I'm 17, 18 in August, and Live in Ontario, Canada)
: is pretty limited.

It could be worse, you could be a 20 yr old that's never held hands let alone kissed a girl. But I'm not complaining. Knowledge and experience, though related, are not exactly the same thing. Though I've never been on a date but I've found myself sometimes giving relationship advice to people that actually do have experience. I liken it to the analogy that someone sitting in the stands has a much better view of the big picture than the players on the field. A lot can be learned by just listening to people; you can find out what they really want and how they feel about getting it more by how they talk than by what it is they're talking about. Also, observation is as effective in Relationship Science as it is in any of the other sciences. It also helps to be able to exchange ideas freely and clearly like we do here. The point is that one can tackle a lot of relationship issues through thought and sharing of ideas.

On the other hand, there is much to experience that someone who just "knows the facts" can't relate to. For example, I just spoke with a good friend of mine yestersday and found out that after two years his relationship with his fiancee has collapsed. Since I've never felt pain on the scale that he seems to be feeling it now, I can't really relate to what he's going through. All I can really say is "this is a learning experience" and "some good will come out of this".

Anything I talk about here in terms of relationships is not based on any kind of personal experience. I hope you may find some interest in a different approach to the relationship dilemma.

: I mean, according to the girls in my highschool i talk with (mostly girls
: younger than myself) I'm something of a hot commody(!?). Thing is, I feel
: the EXACT same way that some one in an above thread felt.

This isn't surprising. Why?
1.) You're not ugly. Sorry, but that's the best I can compliment you without sounding gay.

2.) You seem to be mature. You have some analytical ability to understand and think about the situation you're in on a point by point basis.

3.) You appear to be thoughtful and sincere.

4.) You appear modest.

I think girls can appreciate this because these traits aren't *too* common among so many teenaged boys. I think its for these reasons alone and not just their implications that you would be considered a "hot commodity". This is not to necessarily say that any of the girls that think this want to have a lasting relationship with you....high school relationship politics is pretty much bullshit for the most part, an I think you can disagree. In light of this, you may also be considered as such because some of the girls may just see you as a prize to be one; a sort of "look what *I* was able to get".

Then again, maybe not. All I know of you is what I've read on these forums.

For some damned reason I was voted funniest person in my school and became somewhat popular my senior year. Not much of an acheivement since my high school only had about 750 students, but what the hell. I guess this was because I know what it makes to make different people laugh and I always took the time to talk to people...never blew anyone off. Truthfully, I was surprised hearing the things people were saying about me...I didn't think I had it in me to be such a noted personality.

From what I heard from different people there were some girls that were intersted in me. Whenever I heard this it made me kind of nervous. I honestly didn't think that anyone would seriously have any interest in me besides a joke dispenser. So what did I do? Nothing. I assumed that their interest in me was fleeting and that they would eventually move on...and as far as I knew they always did. This is the same technique I employ today when I find out some girl might be interested.

But I was working 40 hrs a week, taking college classes and still going to high school...I really didn't have time for any of it.

: "This is my problem with the whole dating thing. I'm the type of person
: that won't play if I can't win...I mean, I've got too much to lose."
:

Guilty as charged. I often use that as the main reason I won't establish relationships but since we're being open and honest and everything I have to say the real reason is that I'm scared to death of close personal connections with other people. I hate establishing and maintining them. It's something that's very difficult for me. But even if it wasn't, I think the above excuse you quoted would still apply, as well as others I've come up with.

One thing that is true for me is that I can't really *afford* to start a serious relationship right now. I've been living in PHX now for a year, I've got a great job, making cash, and doing very well in school. I can't bring on another person and support them and give them whatever they'd need to make our relationship work. I am unwilling to sink the resources into it at this time, and I don't realistically see this as ever changing.

: I dont want to RISK anything. Its like this: If you have money (self esteem),
: and had the change to go for a double or nothing gambling wager (ask
: attractive girl out, + win her over, or lose alot of selfesteem), what
: would you pick?

I think by the end of this post you'll know my position on this. Something Forrest brought up that I hadn't really thought about was that the initial dates you go on with girls are not a total loss. The gain, and really the main reason for them in the first place is to obtain experience...experience that will later help you find "The One" if such a person can be said to exist.

The way I see it, you're going to get back what you put in. If you risk a little and win, the payoff is small, lose, and the loss isn't major. On the other hand, if you take a huge risk you can end up losing everything...or gaining something you think you've always wanted.

Moral: You can't win if you don't play. For most people, winning seems like something they'd really like to do; almost everyone finds themself in a romantic relationship sometime in their life. For me, there's too much that can go wrong. Men have lost their fortunes, their children, even their lives in divorce settlements, custody battles, and even suicides, all of which were products of love gone bad. Even though those are worst case scenarios, they are still possible, and since they can conceivably happen, I will not take the chance. Though it may sound drastic and even ridiculous, I maintain that for me personally it is more important to not lose than it is to win.

Some people may call this not living or being afraid to live, but I'd rather have a life of simple contentment devoid of the pain of loss than have to bear ups and downs of a life-long emotional roller-coaster.

: Personally, I always wait until I know the girl is attracted to me. Then
: Its easy as hell from there.

: It covers the turmoil I went through with dating a girl I met in my store. It
: was a great relationship, then.. well take a read. Let me know if this
: kind of behavior has ever happened with someone else.

As I've said before teenage relationships can be strange things indeed. She appeared to me to be rather young, and I honestly don't think she yet knew what she really wanted.

: I seem to be able to talk with and get into that dating mode with girls
: younger than me (grades 9-10). I find alot of girls around own age (give
: or take 1 year) are all alreddy dating. My my case, many of them are
: dating men who are 20-25. :(

Wow, in my state that's illegal. Did they move Ontario to Utah ;)

Again, what I think that is is just those girls being able to show off their college guy as a social trophy while the guy thinks its great being able to get some younger action.

You're not going to like to hear this, especially feom someone whose been with less girls than you, but even you've got to admit, you're still relatively young. You're at the age when a lot more things are going to hit you and you're going to become a lot more like a man...that's where I've found myself rather recently...

: Its a sad, lame excuse why I'm not dating girls my own age, but I get that
: feeling that I'm 'out of place'.

??? As far as I knew that was called being a teenager. I wish I could say that all of the awkwardness and alienation will slowly fade away, but I don't want to lie to you. I suppose the secret is just finding a place to fit in. At least you know how you feel and you have the guts to admit it. That puts you ahead of a lot of other people.

: -In regards to a previous post, I wouldn't have issues going to bars to me
: women, but other than the fact I hate that kind of music (I'd be in my
: own personal hell listening to Hiphop/gangsta rap for hours on end) and
: the smokey atmosphere (I'll drink, no issues there)that is in bars...
: That kind of socalizations is ruled out for me.

It always seemed to me that most of the people that patronized such bars were in it more for a night's worth of a good time than a meaningful relationship...call me crazy. Then again, I've never even stepped foot into a bar...

: -"I was never looking for any sort of casual relationship. I looked at
: girls as future-mother-of-my-children kind of material, someone I could
: spend my entire life with, and if they didn't seem absolutely PERFECT
: right off the bat I wouldn't pay any attention to them. But a year or two
: ago I realized that if you're always aiming for the end you're never gonna
: make it."

: This was said by Forrest, and I find it rings true.
: There has been... hrm, probably 4 different girls I've become | and still am
: | friends with who arn't really that attractive (or have had some really
: weird issues with drugs that freaks me out) that I could have asked out. I
: was at the point where they really liked me, but... its that warning bell
: that goes off in my head. Its similar to the kind when you walk into a
: room with 5 Juggernauts and a legon of Enforcers... ; D
: I find I have to really really like the girl before asking them out.

So you have to find out if this warning bell as you call it is a legitimate excuse to stop pursuing them or just your own fear/self-doubt. I suppose there's only one way to really find out...but again, easy for me to say...

: Dating isn't everything, but it sure is SOMETHING. Since I'm not in any
: relationships right now, I really wish I had a more diverse social group.
: I got to partys (this girl Jenns brithday, woo!)

The last party I went to I ended up helping the drunk valedictorian pick her brother's and my friend's vomit off her bathroom floor. I've never been drunk, and I won't get drunk at a party...it's strange but I feel that I have to stay sober for them.

I'm not what you might call a "social" person. The last time I was with any group of friends would have been that same party which would have been some...four months ago. Even going to grocery store gets me all edgy...I have some strange tendencies. Herein lies the contradiction: people see me as witty, sarcastic, friendly, outgoing, and many people have described me as huggable (wtf??) while in truth I'm more of an insecure social phobic who really can't stand even being *touched* by other people.

In conclusion, I'll just say that given enough time, thought, and risk, you can eventually have something close to what your looking for. Hope this helped in some capacity...

Yossarian

P.S.: Almost lost this post too...thank god for copy and paste...

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Replies:

Ok...what's up with that?Dorfie 6/11/02 4:59 p.m.
     Re: Ok...what's up with that?Mazilurik 6/11/02 5:41 p.m.
           Re: Ok...what's up with that?Vid Boi 6/12/02 4:38 a.m.
           Heh...oops...Dorfie 6/12/02 6:30 a.m.
                 Re: Heh...oops...Jacke 6/12/02 10:59 a.m.
                       Re: Heh...oops...Vid Boi 6/12/02 12:03 p.m.
                             Re: Heh...oops...Boomer 6/12/02 2:24 p.m.
                                   I smell idiot magnet:) *NM*Tru7h 6/12/02 2:43 p.m.
                                         U must have your nose to close to ur mom ;) *NM*Boomer 6/12/02 2:45 p.m.
                                         Or maybe...Vid Boi 6/12/02 3:04 p.m.
                                               Re: Or maybe...Boomer 6/12/02 3:11 p.m.
                                   I'm sorry about this post, it's late:Vid Boi 6/12/02 3:30 p.m.
                                         Oh you are still young grasshopper NTD-M.A. 6/12/02 3:43 p.m.
                                               Re: Oh you are still young grasshopper NTD-M.A. 6/12/02 3:45 p.m.
                                                     Re: Oh you are still young grasshopper NTForrest of B.org 6/14/02 10:33 p.m.
                                                           Re: Oh you are still young grasshopper NTD-M.A. 6/15/02 1:46 a.m.
                                   Re: Heh...oops...Mazilurik 6/12/02 3:50 p.m.
                                         Re: Heh...oops...REB 6/12/02 4:22 p.m.
                                               Re: Heh...oops...Boomer 6/12/02 5:39 p.m.
                                                     Re: Heh...oops...REB 6/12/02 9:03 p.m.
                                                           Heh.Djof 6/13/02 8:28 p.m.
                                                                 Re: Heh.REB 6/14/02 8:50 a.m.
                                                                       Re: Heh.Djof 6/15/02 8:00 p.m.
                                                                             Re: Heh.REB 6/16/02 8:05 a.m.
                                                           Re: Heh...oops...Yossarian 6/13/02 9:55 p.m.
                                                                 Re: Heh...oops...REB 6/14/02 8:52 a.m.
                                                                       Re: Heh...oops...Yossarian 6/14/02 11:14 a.m.
                                                                             Re: Heh...oops...Forrest of B.org 6/14/02 2:41 p.m.
                                                                                   Re: Heh...oops...Yossarian 6/14/02 4:21 p.m.
                                                           Sex Tips for GeeksForrest of B.org 6/13/02 11:24 p.m.
                                                                 Ummmmm ...Jester 6/13/02 11:45 p.m.
                                                                       Re: Ummmmm ...Forrest of B.org 6/14/02 2:21 p.m.
                                                                             Re: Ummmmm ...Jester 6/14/02 5:38 p.m.
                                                                 Re: Sex Tips for Geeks:: Beer Can :: 6/14/02 3:25 a.m.
                                                                       Re: Sex Tips for GeeksTru7h 6/14/02 5:54 p.m.
                                                                       Re: Sex Tips for GeeksForrest of B.org 6/14/02 10:26 p.m.
                                                                             Relationship woes of ErnieErnie 6/15/02 11:36 a.m.
                                                                                   Re: Relationship woes of ErnieYossarian 6/15/02 1:15 p.m.
                                                                                         Re: Relationship woes of Ernieernie 6/15/02 3:03 p.m.
                                                                                   Re: Relationship woes of ErnieYossarian 6/15/02 4:44 p.m.
                                                                                         Re: Relationship woes of ErnieYossarian 6/15/02 7:58 p.m.
                                                                                   Re: Relationship woes of ErnieForrest of B.org 6/15/02 6:21 p.m.
                                                                             Re: Sex Tips for GeeksREB 6/15/02 11:46 a.m.
                                                                                   Re: Sex Tips for GeeksForrest of B.org 6/15/02 6:30 p.m.
                                                                                         Re: Sex Tips for GeeksREB 6/16/02 8:48 a.m.
                                                                                   Re: Sex Tips for Geeks:: Beer Can :: 6/19/02 4:28 p.m.
                                                                             Re: Sex Tips for Geeks:: Beer Can :: 6/17/02 2:08 a.m.
                                                                             Re: Sex Tips for GeeksErnie 7/2/02 5:04 p.m.
                                                                                   Re: Sex Tips for GeeksJacke 7/3/02 6:27 a.m.
                                                                                         Whoops. Thanks for the correction. :) NMErnie 7/4/02 5:31 p.m.
                                                                 Re: Sex Tips for GeeksREB 6/14/02 9:06 a.m.
                                                                 The REAL Sex Tips for GeeksForrest of B.org 6/15/02 12:59 a.m.
                                                           STFG, Part IIForrest of B.org 6/13/02 11:48 p.m.
                                                           Re: Heh...oops...Vid Boi 6/14/02 7:18 a.m.
                                   Re: Heh...oops...Tru7h 6/12/02 6:59 p.m.
                 I have the best one.Djof 6/12/02 6:14 p.m.
                       ...Djof 6/12/02 6:16 p.m.
                             Re: ...Vid Boi 6/12/02 11:11 p.m.
                       Re: I have the best one.Dorfie 6/13/02 8:58 a.m.
                             Re: I have the best one.Boomer 6/13/02 10:04 a.m.
                       Re: I have the best one.Forrest of B.org 6/14/02 10:35 p.m.
     I think it's time /dev/null this thread *NM*Vid Boi 6/15/02 12:12 p.m.



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