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Thank goodness this is just the cheesy back cover
Posted By: Leviathan <levihoffmeier@gmail.com>	Date: 2/23/11 6:03 p.m.
In Response To: Writing remarks. (BlueNinja) : There's still a few typos in there. The afore mentioned "spartarns" : and Jun should be a "marksman". : The back cover text also didn't seem quite right to me. This is just : nitpicking, but things like starting a sentence with "And" only : works in some cases. Your tagline could certainly do without it, as could : the start of the text. : You also refer to the Covenant as singular in your tagline, and as plural in : the text. I'm not exactly sure which one is correct, myself. : You also suffered from a problem that my texts usually have (which is why I : noticed it). "But one shard of their story was never told: Jun, the : marksman, the Spartan who talked too much, who attempted to rationalize : everything, and who kept a struggling conscience in check as he continued : to dirty his hands for the greater good." Starting a sentence with : "But" is also a very hit-and-miss affair, but mostly, this : sentence is just too long. A lot of people will have lost track of it by : the time they've reached the ending of the sentence. : So, some work on the first part would definitely be a good idea. This is my : own version of your text: you don't have to use it, but it's an example. : "Noble Team, a group of legendary SPARTAN super soldiers, has been : shattered. Their sacrifice enabled us to discover Halo and defeat the : Covenant. One piece of their story, however, has never been resolved: the : fate of Jun-###. A chatty marksman, Jun attempts to rationalize everything : in an attempt to keep his struggling conscience in check. He may be a : SPARTAN, but he's still human." : I'd shorten the tagline, as well. Make it even easier to remember. Something : along the lines of "Reach is falling. The Covenant are rising. : Spartans are dying." That could still use some work, but it's a lot : shorter and snappier. : Still, though, everything looks amazing. Absolutely amazing. Fixed 'marksmen', made the Covenant always singular (makes sense to me), and fixed my shameful 'Sangheili' mistake (thanks Hedge!) I took your criticism into consideration, BlueNinja, and I really do appreciate it. I changed the 'And while' at the beginning of the first paragraph to "Although" because you're right, you shouldn't often start sentences with And and I didn't need two in a row there. But I left everything else the same because, while it may not be perfect, I just like how it rolls off the tongue when it's spoken aloud. The tagline could basically be one sentence, I just used periods instead of commas to appear more dramatic and give more pause. As for Jun's run-on. Yeah, I just like it. It's a cheesy back-cover, you're not even supposed to read it till you've read it all - it could contain spoilers! :P

Comic & Concept Portfolio

Message Index

A Fistful of Arrows - the cover + bonus *IMG*s	Leviathan	2/23/11 5:15 p.m.
Typo	Chris101b	2/23/11 5:19 p.m.
Fixed! Thanks!	Leviathan	2/23/11 5:26 p.m.
No problem	Chris101b	2/23/11 5:30 p.m.
Re: Fixed! Thanks!	Hedgemony	2/23/11 5:37 p.m.
Re: Fixed! Thanks!	Leviathan	2/23/11 6:04 p.m.
Re: Fixed! Thanks!	Hedgemony	2/23/11 6:08 p.m.
Writing remarks.	BlueNinja	2/23/11 5:41 p.m.
Thank goodness this is just the cheesy back cover	Leviathan	2/23/11 6:03 p.m.
you are the best *NM*	kidtsunami	2/23/11 5:20 p.m.
Re: A Fistful of Arrows - the cover + bonus *IMG*s	Pkmnrulz240	2/23/11 5:21 p.m.
Re: A Fistful of Arrows - the cover + bonus *IMG*s	Bry	2/23/11 5:26 p.m.
Re: A Fistful of Arrows - the cover + bonus *IMG*s	CaneCutter	2/23/11 5:37 p.m.
The price is under the barcode! :P *NM*	Leviathan	2/23/11 6:06 p.m.
Man, check out the exchange rate! Sheesh! ;-) *NM*	GrimBrother One	2/23/11 6:19 p.m.
DOH! I guess it's time to start saving :) *NM*	CaneCutter	2/23/11 6:22 p.m.
Re: A Fistful of Arrows - the cover + bonus *IMG*s	Beckx	2/23/11 6:29 p.m.
Re: A Fistful of Arrows - the cover + bonus *IMG*s	arbitersaids	2/23/11 7:14 p.m.
Another typo, page 25	sithhead	2/23/11 10:17 p.m.
Starting to think I've gone insane.	Leviathan	2/23/11 11:30 p.m.
Glad to be of service *NM*	sithhead	2/24/11 12:08 a.m.
This makes me so giddy *NM*	padraig08	2/24/11 12:03 a.m.
Re: A Fistful of Arrows - the cover + bonus *IMG*s	chiefsparten	2/24/11 4:38 a.m.