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| Writing remarks. | |
| Posted By: BlueNinja <kennethdemuyt@msn.com> | Date: 2/23/11 5:41 p.m. |
In Response To: Typo (Chris101b) : On the back cover, it says ".... The Spartarns are dying." You have : one extra R in there. Other than that..... : OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AWESOME! There's still a few typos in there. The afore mentioned "spartarns" and Jun should be a "marksman". The back cover text also didn't seem quite right to me. This is just nitpicking, but things like starting a sentence with "And" only works in some cases. Your tagline could certainly do without it, as could the start of the text. You also refer to the Covenant as singular in your tagline, and as plural in the text. I'm not exactly sure which one is correct, myself. You also suffered from a problem that my texts usually have (which is why I noticed it). "But one shard of their story was never told: Jun, the marksman, the Spartan who talked too much, who attempted to rationalize everything, and who kept a struggling conscience in check as he continued to dirty his hands for the greater good." Starting a sentence with "But" is also a very hit-and-miss affair, but mostly, this sentence is just too long. A lot of people will have lost track of it by the time they've reached the ending of the sentence. So, some work on the first part would definitely be a good idea. This is my own version of your text: you don't have to use it, but it's an example. "Noble Team, a group of legendary SPARTAN super soldiers, has been shattered. Their sacrifice enabled us to discover Halo and defeat the Covenant. One piece of their story, however, has never been resolved: the fate of Jun-###. A chatty marksman, Jun attempts to rationalize everything in an attempt to keep his struggling conscience in check. He may be a SPARTAN, but he's still human." I'd shorten the tagline, as well. Make it even easier to remember. Something along the lines of "Reach is falling. The Covenant are rising. Spartans are dying." That could still use some work, but it's a lot shorter and snappier. Still, though, everything looks amazing. Absolutely amazing.
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