VH1 Behind The Music: Marathon (Part 1) REDUX
Posted By: YossarianDate: 11/23/01 5:58 p.m.


It all started innocently enough on the campus of the University of Chicago in late 1993. An aspiring college dropout has an extraordinary revelation: It is better to be THE MAN than to work for someone's whose gender you cannot easily determine. This being realized, the then younger but only now young Alexander Seropian quit his job at the women's prison and began his career as a music producer.

Although he had no experience in music producing, recording, theory, practice, distributing, editing, mixing, or sampling, Seropian was able to assemble the second-greatest rock supergroup the world has ever known in the history of recorded sound and image. Seropian explains: "I found Jason Jones eating mexican food out of a can at a drive-thru liquor store and pharmacy and asked him if he wanted to help me assemble the second-greatest rock supergroup the world has ever known in the history of recorded sound and image. His answer was, like, 'sure, I'll help you assemble the second-greatest rock supergroup the world has ever known in the history of recorded sound and image'. And I was like, cool."

Luckily for Alex, Jones did have extensive knowledge in ALL things musical, except for musical taste, of which he had none. However Seropian's lack of skill and Jones's lack of taste made for the most poorly conceived record in history; a twelve minute collage of pure radio static occasionally graced with the sounds of Jones talking in his sleep. The aptly titled "ffffsshshhhsffhhs..nno,nno go'way mmf...fffsssshhhhshshhshhs" was instantly hailed by the Center of Ridiculous Art as the recording of this century and Seropian and Jones were given over 12 million dollars in government grants to continue their efforts in pioneering the frontiers of art and music.

12 million dollars worth of doughnuts and recording equipment later, the duo was ready for some big-time recording. Auditions were held in Chicago. "We're looking for enthusiastic (desperate) and felxible (cheap working) artists that are willing to share with us the most of their talent (make us filthy, filthy rich)" a hopeful Jones was commented as saying. Although several artists did show up and perform, none of their pathetic plastic tripe was quality enough for these two men to want to produce. Those artists later formed a group called N'Sync, but faded away into obscurity shortly after doing so.

Just as J-Jo and Al-Diddy (as their powerful Hollywood friends were now calling them) started to give up hope, four guys came out of no where looking for a chance to become stars. The rest, as they say, is history.

The band known today as the UESC All-Stars were born. On percussion was a cenuries old AI computer who called himself Freshy-D. Ripping out the best guitar solos the world knew was The Marine, who was known to stand trancelike at terminals for hours at a time. Playing bass was the blue-suited alien named Pfhor Fingers (athough he really only had six total, unless you subtract the thumbs, the it really is FOUR, although not necessarily....ah, forget it). And last but not definately least was the handsome and enigmatic lead singer who was known simply to the world as "BOB".

Upon recording the album "Arrival" Journey enjoyed several more hits, but this isn't about Journey, so let's move on.

The first album recorded by the UESC All-Stars was "An Ex-Security Officer Sings the Blues". Recording went quite smoothly and the relaxed and laid back atmosphere allowed for some interesting exchange of dialogue between the two producers:

Alex: Hey Jason, do you think we need to do an overdub for track 2?

Jason: Hey Alex, No, YOUR MOM.

Alex: Hey Jason, could you please hand me the stapler?

Jason: Hey Alex, No, YOUR MOM.

Alex: Hey Jason, do you think we should call it a day?

Jason: Hey Alex, No, YOUR MOM.

Alex: Hey Jason, YOUR MOM!

Jason: Now really Alex, where is your sense of artistic integrity?

With the release of the single "Magnum (.44) Suite", the band had its first hit. Although the song had absolutely no cusswords and actually promoted such ideas as honor, self-preservation, and neuturing and spaying stray pets, the song was immediately banned by the Ignorant Parents for Responsible Music solely because of the song title. The band's next attempt at a hit was called "Ignorant Parents for Responsible Music Can Kiss Our Toned and Tattooed Asses". The song immediately shot up to number one as 13-17 year olds everywhere who were anxious to piss off their parents snatched copies off the shelf.

The responses by band members were mixed. The planet-sized ego of Freshy-D expanded even further. The Marine simply shruggeg while Pfhor Finger's third eye concentrated on the fly buzzing around it's head. The obviously excited BOB was quoted as shouting "THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!

ON TO PART 2....

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