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	Message: : Thesis: Marathon is the worst game I played in my life and you should all : feel ashamed. : Introduction: I was introduced to Marathon the way everyone was: as a : footnote to Halo's history. Halo is the best game ever made, so surely the : prequel must be even better! WRONG. I downloaded Aleph One Marathon and : was soon dissapointed. 2D graphics! Cryptic level design! Boring gameplay, : oh my! : Supporting Claims: I start out in a dark hallway. Why should everything be : dark? I need to see everything. Then there's this shiny computer on the : wall, and after I'm done looking at it (lots of boring text) something : hits me! The first enemy in the game is hidden in this forked path, away : from where you'd naturally focus your attention! BAD ENEMY PLACEMENT. I : was expecting the computer (Leela? A futurama character, really? Okay, so : this is actually an AI, and a much inferior version to cortana) to give me : a tutorial on how to shoot, but instead the game just threw me to the : wolves. This game has aged too much to pass modern design standards. : Now I'll talk about how bad the map is: it doesn't have any waypoints on it. : It looked like the computer was marking some spots on the map to guide me, : but when I press tab the red circles aren't there. I'm on my own because : these lazy designers didn't know how to program the map guiding system. : I was expecting a cutscene to explain the story by now, but there's nothing. : I'm really just playing the game. I don't even know what's going on, just : that I'm on a ship with aliens. "In the heavens, they are : waiting" doesn't count. That means nothing. : I must have spent like, half an hour figuring out how to get into the vents, : and another half trying to make it to the other side of that partly open : door. The pacing of this game is like molasses and it has no clues what : you're supposed to do. : On the second level, they put another cheap enemy to ambush you in a corner : where you don't see it, and there's an Assault Rifle! It's not the one : from halo. And they messed it up. An assault rifle is like a close range : submachine gun. It's not a grenade launcher! So great. I have just a : pistol and a grenade launcher for weapons. You'd think in the future : they'd ditch that stuff for super magnums and sticky grenades. : And there is another cheap ambush of those cloak wearing floaters. I died : and had to start back at the last saving computer. Yeah. No checkpoints. : No autosaves. You can't save wherever you want. You can only save at : certain computers. You also can only heal at recharging stations, too. So : they're ripping off half-life while they're at it. : The aliens bleed yellow. That's stupid. We all learned from halo that aliens : have blue and purple blood, not yellow! And the cloak guys don't even : bleed. That's worse! Yellow blood is better than no blood. What kind of : fps is this where the robots don't bleed? : I don't want to talk about the next map, because it sucks. But the one after : that? You start out going to a dead end where you're trapped in a crusher. : You have to randomly find a secret door to get out. BULLSHIT! If you're : going to pull that crap, you should at least hint to it. The first : terminal here would have been the perfect place to blatantly spell out : what you have to do, but it didn't mention it at all. : Did I even mention how hard this is with a pistol and grenades? I ran out of : grenades fast. On 'the rose' we're introduced to tanky muscle-heads and : annoying humans who get in the way that almost made me quit, until I : accidentally made the assault rifle fire some bullets. So, what, it : actually is an assault rifle? Turns out these guns have alt fire modes. : Thanks for telling me, game! But combining an assault rifle with a grenade : launcher? That's some Daikatana shit. : And what's with these level names? Couch fihing? DEFEND THIS? Those aren't : level names! It's just a game designer that lost the remote in the couch : and named the map after it because he couldn't think of anything else. : Eventually, I get to a map where I have to find a fusion pistol (another : pistol? I don't need that. Gimme a shotgun already, come on!) and when I : get it, something odd happens. I have the zeuss fusion gun, yeah, but can : you guess what else I have? The pistol and assault rifle. Neither of them : were dropped when I picked this up. I'm holding three weapons. What kind : of game are they making where you can hold all your weapons and have to go : to recharge stations to heal? Where's my autoshield? It's not like it : makes you overpowered and imbalanced, because all these weapons stink. : The next map broke me. I was wandering around, minding my own business, and I : just died for no reason. What? When that happened, I noticed that blue bar : on the HUD was now depleted. So that's air? I have to beat this map on an : unforgiving time limit? No fair! I quit. : Conclusion: Marathon is not halo. It's clear to me now that Microsoft's XBox : made all the difference making halo the game that it was, and whoever : bought a macintosh just to play this is an idiot. ALL HAIL MICROSOFT AND : ITS GLORY TO GAMING. Apple will go under and die because they can't : compete. What did they have when Microsoft blasted us away with the Xbox? : Apple Pippin?
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